These are my words. Go get your own.

24hourcynic @ 2009-12-09T20:09:00

2009-12-09T09:37:09Z

So I bought new bedsheets on the weekend. 650 thread count, pure cotton, nice milk chocolate colour. Originally $180 but marked down at Harris Scarfe. I was actually really excited about sleeping on them. Got them home and washed them, as per instructions, but went to see Green Day before they dried. Then I stayed at Laura's that night and went to work the next day. Came home stoked for the new sheets. Put them on. The fitted sheet had a hole in it. So, I couldn't sleep on it because I had to take it back. Took it back and exchanged it the next day. Didn't have a chance to wash the new set after work because I went to dinner and a movie with Emily all evening. Disappointed I had to sleep on my old sheets yet again. Came home today and took the sheets out of the wrapping to wash them. Found an even bigger gaping hole in the new fitted sheet because the seam hadn't been sewn properly.

WHAT THE FUCK, WORLD?

Dear stupid businesses: this is why I hardly ever buy anything. Why the hell are you even stocking such shoddy merchandise? You ought to be ashamed.

Simple things, simple minds

2009-11-08T08:58:01Z

Someone in a passing car threw a firecracker in front of me while I was riding around town last night. I'll admit I flinched, but I hope those douchebags were watching me to get a reaction, because I didn't jump enough that they could have seen from their distance, I didn't swerve, I didn't yell, I didn't crash my bike. You get no reaction from me. I hope they thought it was money and time well spent.

Hey "Gorge"ous

2009-11-03T09:48:58Z

My work put on tableloads of roast chicken and chips for the staff for Melbourne Cup lunch today. I think I must have eaten an entire chicken. Oh my god, I'm still full. It's definitely my favourite food.

Teef

2009-10-27T10:12:40Z

I had braces (the kind you get for your teeth) in high school. It was my parents' idea; I remember arguing that my teeth were the way nature intended and I didn't want to mess with that. It was probably a good thing to have done, though: my lower jaw was originally so receded that I couldn't push it forward far enough to have my front lower teeth line up with my front upper teeth, but thanks to rubber bands that were attached to my braces to painfully drag my jaw forward, they now kind of match up. And if the doctor was right, having my teeth moved into line around my jaw will have saved me a lot of agony later on. Cosmetically I guess it was worth it: I've had lots of people (okay, okay, three) comment on how straight my teeth are (they all assumed I must have had braces). Each time that happened I always thought it was weird, because I still think my teeth are kind of crooked, especially my right lateral incisor, which is creeping behind my central incisor.

When I had my braces off, I got a retainer (AKA a plate) to wear to hold my teeth in place; once I had finally mastered talking while wearing it without sounding like I had a mouthful of marbles, I was told I only had to wear it while sleeping. The plate had a little spring on it that was meant to push my lateral incisor out into place; as far as I can tell, it did squat all. Last time I went to the dentist must have been about four years ago, and it was probably four years since the time before that. It was very weird, but I'm sure it was weirder for him: he saw me so frequently as a young teenager and there I was back again as an (alleged) adult with a job and everything. Anyway, he said I should start wearing the retainer every second night and then gradually phase it out over time, although he said I would probably need to wear it at least once a week for the rest of my life. I didn't really phase it out much at all, despite what he said: doing something every second day is just too hard for me to remember, so I still wore it most nights, except when I forgot or was too drunk or didn't sleep at home.

Anyway, the point is this: yesterday I managed to shatter my retainer via a series of unfortunate events. Getting a new one would involve paying about $150 and require me to make an appointment to see the dentist, neither of which I am particularly motivated to do. So I guess its goodbye to the nighttime routine of the last god-knows-how-many years. Also, you will now probably be able to ring me while I'm asleep and I will answer without sounding like I have a mouthful of marbles. (I still won't make any sense, though, because I'll just have woken up. Why would you ring me while I'm asleep? Are you an idiot? Do you hate me?)

And if you notice my teeth becoming more crooked over the next few months, please don't mention it.

Also!

2009-10-20T11:16:53Z

Does anyone have a scally cap (that kinda Irish-style hat like Ben Furner from the Travelling Sacks used to always wear) that I can borrow this Saturday night? Or know anyone who might lend me theirs? I am going to a costume party and need/want one for my outfit.

This might be more useful if more than about two people still used LiveJournal.

UPDATE: I borrowed one from Country Alex, it was perfect.

Pssssh!

2009-10-20T10:12:53Z

Three punctures in two weeks! I really hope I have finished having my current run of bad luck with my bike.

UPDATE: Make that five punctures in two weeks. Fuck this shit.

"All the latest music fads all passed me by and left me cold"

2009-10-14T11:52:13Z

Frank Turner's album Love Ire & Song is pretty darn good. I'm more and more attracted to music with a folk-rock influence these days, especially if the musicians have a punk background. And Photosynthesis is one of the album highlights, with a great indictment of the live-to-work mentality that makes so many people compromise their dreams just because it's what everyone else does, but I do have one problem with it, and that's the lines "And if all you ever do with your life is photosynthesize, then you'll deserve every hour of your sleepless nights that you waste wondering when you're going to die". Fuck no, Frank! I would KILL to be able to photosynthesize! If all you ever do with your life is photosynthesize, you're living the fucking dream! You don't have to worry about eating, all you have to do is hang out in the sun! Sure, you could argue that Turner's using the word as a meaphor, but still: photosynthesis is amazing, and hopefully in the future they will splice a plant gene into me and I can stop wasting so much time preparing and digesting food to meet my energy needs.

24hourcynic @ 2009-10-11T12:55:00

2009-10-11T02:23:01Z

I cannot BELIEVE that I actually had to line up to get into the Cranker last night. I mean, it's the CRANKER! Lining up? Unheard of!

Fucken zombies... they should be hungry for brains, not beer.

24hourcynic @ 2009-09-01T01:09:00

2009-08-31T15:36:37Z

You know what's rad? Being able to get to sleep easily.

You know what fucking sucks? The opposite.

24hourcynic @ 2009-08-27T21:45:00

2009-08-27T12:13:20Z

I really don't understand how spam email subject lines are generated.

I mean, "Shoot your gin into her vagina"? Seriously?

...

What a waste of gin.

24hourcynic @ 2009-08-03T23:15:00

2009-08-03T13:43:14Z

Life is awesome! I had a great weekend.

24hourcynic @ 2009-07-30T21:54:00

2009-07-30T12:27:32Z

One of the girls we have interviewed to be our new housemate has sent a couple of messages emphasising how keen she is to get the room, including the persuasive argument, "I have cute single friends".

This girl is now at the top of my list.

I've done some things that I'm not too proud of...

2009-07-24T09:57:17Z

Some hearts are gallows. I'm not here for hanging around.

24hourcynic @ 2009-07-15T20:33:00

2009-07-15T11:18:19Z

On Thursday I spent nearly eight hours clothes shopping with Laura for a new outfit for me to wear on Saturday night, so I could go to a party at which I ended up spending approximately two hours total. Despite what the maths says, I still believe that this was a good use of my time. Mainly because it's nice to be hanging out with Laura again.

Also, I've realised Laura is the best person I've been shopping with for the following three reasons: (1) She doesn't hesitate to tell me it's a terrible idea when I'm tempted to try on something bad, (2) She kept volunteering to ask shop assistants questions when I was reluctant to, and (3) She was more than willing to put up with my chronic indecisiveness which has driven many people insane.

24hourcynic @ 2009-07-13T23:04:00

2009-07-13T13:34:21Z

Well, I needed that like I need a kick in the head.

I ain't no porcupine, take off your kid gloves

2009-06-15T10:45:14Z

Unsurprisingly, my dad and I have very different tastes in music. But some of my favourite albums are the ones that he used to play most often when I was growing up. Blood On The Tracks, for instance, would have to be in my top five records of all time. So I raid his CD collection occasionally, but I like to think I'm picking out the cream of the crop. So I'm happy to drive up there and say, "Hey dad, I'm taking your Elvis Costello best of", or "Can I borrow Revolver?", or "Can I have on loan your: Madness, Bruce Springsteen, Travelling Wilburys, Bob Dylan and Simon & Garfunkel albums?" It's not like he has The Clash, XTC or The Jam to pick from, but I still don't worry that I'm lowering my musical credibility too much.

However, lately I've had songs from one of his favourite albums from the 80s running around in my head, and I'm sorry, but I couldn't do it: I just couldn't bring myself to confess that I wanted to listen to John Hiatt's MOR classic, Bring The Family. So I browsed through his collection on some other pretext and sneakily slipped it into my jacket pocket when he wasn't looking.

I looked through the liner notes when I got home, and I was surprised to find the other three musicians on the album were Nick Lowe (Elvis Costello producer), Ry Cooder (not my kind of thing, but a star guitarist in his own right) and Jim Keltner (session musician for a list of big names as long as my arm). This album's got quite the pedigree, I thought.

Of course, that still doesn't change the fact that it's 100% Dad Rock and I'm ashamed to be listening to it.

Mental assassin

2009-06-12T10:28:18Z

I read David Eddings' Belgariad and Mallorean fantasy series in uni, and really enjoyed them. The thing I remember most about them was Edding's sense of humour. I was introduced to the books by my friend Joseph, who has an ability to make absolutely anything hilarious when he retells it. Usually, he achieves this by gross exaggeration or outright lies. I remember him describing some sequence from one of the books that was so ridiculous I was convinced it was one of those outright lies, but then I reached that part of the book and discovered the scene was identical to the way Joseph had described it. And the books aren't comedies! They're serious, epic sagas that happen to have the odd bit of humour.

Anyway, point being: I can't remember when I last read an Eddings novel - it would have to be many years ago - but this Tuesday while at work I randomly remembered reading an introductory piece Eddings had written in one of his books where he alluded to being quite old, and I wondered if he was still alive. Thanks to the miracle of Wikipedia, I checked and found out that he had in fact died - exactly one week earlier! The moral? Watch out, authors I haven't thought of in years, or I'll think about you and retroactively kill you too! You're next, Capt W. E. Johns.

Woody Guthrie - the original posi-punk

2009-06-09T08:41:33Z

"I hate a song that makes you think that you are not any good. I hate a song that makes you think that you are just born to lose. Bound to lose. No good to nobody. No good for nothing. Because you are too old or too young or too fat or too slim or too ugly or too this or too that."

-Woody Guthrie, as quoted in the liner notes for the new Anti-Flag album The People Or The Gun and paraphrased in the lyrics of the song The Gre(A)t Depression.

The extended quote can be found here: http://poetry.about.com/library/weekly/blwoody.htm.

Wherever you see a cop beatin' a guy...

2009-06-02T09:35:45Z

I was walking to my car on Saturday night, waiting to cross Grenfell St at the lights near the Cranker (where else?), when I saw an obviously fairly drunk girl on the other side of the road talking on her phone while stumbling west. The lights changed, I started crossing the road, then I heard someone yelling and looked up to see a man pinning the girl against the bonnet of a car. My first reaction was that this was the person she'd been on the phone with, someone she was in a relationship with, and it was domestic violence. I started heading towards them to see if intervention was required, but not particularly fast, because I'm not a good person. As I approached I noticed the guy was yelling in an accent that seemed European, something about "You do not... people on the street...", and I wondered if he was some sexually repressed Slavic dude taking his anger out on this girl because she'd propositioned him. There was another woman ahead of me, already on the other side of the street, and she headed over to the scene as well, after hesitating, which made me a bit more confident. I get there and the man has got the girl's arm twisted behind her back and is still pinning her against the bonnet, and I can make out what he's saying, which is "You do not assault an off-duty police officer", and my first thought is "Bullshit", and the woman steps forward and I thought she was going to intervene but instead she grabbed the girl as well and says "I'm a police officer too", which makes things complicated. So I just stand there watching, and the man is still yelling stuff, "You do not urinate in the street! You do not assault an off-duty police officer", and the story gets a little clearer as I can see they're all standing in a puddle of piss. Now I'm pretty sure the female cop pulls out some handcuffs and cuffs the girl, but the girl stops struggling and the man stops yelling so much, and I wish I could say it was because I was there as a witness but I think he just ran out of steam. And the girl says things like "Why are you doing this, I don't even know where I am", and "Can I please hold my handbag?" and "This is so embarrassing" and the cops tell her they're taking her over the street to the station. I justs stand there watching, still not knowing what I should do. Then these young kids walk by and ask the cops, "Hey, is that girl alright?" and the female cop says, "It's okay, we're police officers", and those kids hightail it out of there like they were running from the bogey man, and I still don't know what to do and I figure there is nothing I can do, so I walk to my car and drive home. Because I don't hate cops per se, I just hate jerks, and I wasn't in the mood to be sympathetic towards drunk bitches either, so I didn't care about anyone involved. You could have put a bullet in all three of their heads and I wouldn't have blamed you that night. But I thought about it later and thought that the cop's reaction was fairly out of proportion. I don't know for sure if the girl did "assault" him like he said (I wasn't watching at that point), but I know she sure didn't twist his arm behind his back and force him onto a car. I guess I should have said something, even just "Ease up". Actually, I should have asked them to show ID, considering they were both in plain clothes. And I bet the female cop would have told me to fuck off or mind my own business. And then I should have dialled triple 0 and said "Hi, there's two people assaulting a girl on Grenfell St claiming to be off-duty cops, but they won't show me any ID" and then I probably would have found out what the inside of a jail cell looks like.

24hourcynic @ 2009-05-19T20:38:00

2009-05-19T11:31:57Z

Tom Gabel is a pretty attractive man. I don't mean that as in "OMG I love his music and therefore by a process of transference I find the man himself physically attractive" (I love Lily Allen's music, but I don't particularly fancy her), and I don't mean "wow he's a babe just because he's famous" (I think it's ridiculous that Paris Hilton can call herself hot without the world laughing in old squinty eye's face - it just goes to prove that if you repeat a lie often enough, people will believe it). I also don't mean Tom is drop-dead gorgeous handsome in a movie star, Brad Pitt kind of way. I just like Tom's hair, and his face is pretty symmetrical, and he has a nice shaped head, and a nice smile. I could have chatted with him on Friday, but I didn't.

Fuuuuuuuuck

2009-05-18T12:09:37Z

I was just in a hurry to finish a comic page I'm inking, and put it over my halogen lamp so the last lot of ink would dry quicker and I could do the final details without smudging it. Then I got distracted by an email, and next thing I know my page is smoking and has a big fucking scorch mark in the middle of it.

Haste makes waste, bitches.

It's a small, small town

2009-05-13T08:28:46Z

Adelaide is the kind of town where I can be driving through the city at 10pm on a weeknight and randomly find myself directly behind my housemate (whose plans for the night I didn't know, and vice versa), while his ex-girlfriend of several years before just happened to be in my car. Or does stuff like that happen everywhere?

Pop quiz

2009-05-11T08:38:39Z

Say you're at a party at a house where's there's a dog and you're sitting down and the dog wants attention and you click your fingers above it, expecting it to half jump and put its front paws on your knees, but instead it leaps entirely into your lap and perches there. How funny is such an event?

a) Not particularly funny.
b) Worthy of a smirk.
c) Mildly amusing.
d) So gut-bustingly funny that you would go into hysterics for several minutes with tears streaming down your face and no chance of stopping laughing until you ran out oxygen.

Clearly, the correct answer is (a), and definitely not (d), no way, no how, unless you're me, for some curious reason that I'm still not entirely sure of.

24hourcynic @ 2009-05-09T16:41:00

2009-05-09T07:10:58Z

My favourite person from work is going to a new job.

I said, I can't believe you're leaving me.

She said, You're going to have to find a new work spouse.

Instantaneous 5

2009-05-07T09:18:32Z

The Instantaneous 5 exhibition of comic art was held on Tuesday, and this was the first one that I didn't submit a piece for. There were a whole bunch of reasons I didn't get involved, some more selfish than others:

I was too busy working on Fist Full Of Comics.
I didn't have any good ideas.
At the last two auctions, the bidder who won my piece didn't actually cough up the money in the end, which is demotivating.
I'm pretty sick of always seeing Dan's pieces sell for more than mine.
I didn't like the change in theme for this exhibition. Previous exhibitions have been based on single comic book panels taken out of context (Roy Lichtenstein pop art style), or comic book covers. Either way you get a single image; the kind of thing that people like to hang on their wall. This time around the piece had to be a complete comic book page. That doesn't make sense to me. Looking at a comic book page is a different experience than a single panel, and I felt it drastically limited the potential buying audience.
To make a bad idea even worse, there was an added condition that all pages had to have either three, six or nine panels. What the fuck is up with that? Where did that idea even come from? It adds nothing to the piece except restrictions.
Lastly, I still disagree with the insistence that all proceeds go to charity. I really thought the last auction had a much better idea, where half the money went to charity and the other half went to the artist. Call me a greedy jerk (you'd be right), but that just makes so much more sense to me overall. We're not talking about people who already make a living from their art here. Most of the artists in these shows are unemployed or students. If Instantaneous is serious about supporting local artists, why not reward them financially? Keeping half the money for charity should still give buyers the Good Samaritan motivation - plus, if the artists get a cut, there's more incentive for them to do better work that will command a higher price. It's a win-win situation.

Anyway, I still went to the opening night. There was a pretty high standard of material, even if there were a lot less pieces than previous auctions (perhaps for some of the above reasons). Standouts in my opinion were by Mawarini, Jake Two, Clare Oakes, Loren Morris and John Newall, all of which I bid on. I even won Clare's piece for $70, which hopefully shows that I'm actually not as uncharitable as I seem. (Now that I've sobered up, I do wish I'd remembered that it was a print rather than original art, and as lovely as it is, I'm still not sure a comic page is something I want to hang on my wall.) Honorable mentions go to John Willanski, whose piece does stand as wall-worthy art, but was too depressing to want to buy, Kamal Coker, who wisely didn't try and letter his piece this time (his lettering is shit and has marred his previous entries) and Nick Skeer, whose piece was quite funny, although he did actually do a cover rather than the required page.

But the piece that proved how out of touch I am with public perceptions was Darren Koziol's. Darren's a nice guy, enthusiastic, and I'm hoping he contributes to the next issue of Fist Full. But he's still a beginning artist at this stage, and his piece reflected it. There's no action, it's not dynamic, the linework is thin and spidery, the people are basically stick figures. It's passable in the context of a comic page, but I couldn't see it as a work of art. I was convinced it would be the lowest seller of the night.

It was auctioned for $430, by far the most of any piece on offer. And that is why all my opinions expressed above are basically worthless.